June 23, 2015, by James

Charity Mugging

I have finally succumbed to evil. From a young age I had always dreamed of crushing other people’s dreams and bringing the world under my steel-capped boots. But I never thought I’d go this far.

I am now the lowliest of all peoples: a door-to-door charity fundraiser.

I have learnt a bit from it though:



1. It’s hard. I’ve come in with a background in direct sales and all the gab an arts degree can offer and I’m struggling to get more than one sign-up a day.

2. It’s a numbers game. Wealthy area? Doesn’t help. Get a rapport with the person? Doesn’t help. Beyond a certain level of competency, it’s all a dice-roll.

3. The best area is terraced housing. It offers lots of people in a very short distance. More doors results in a better chance in sign-ups.

4. If you have a no cold-callers sign in your window, we will knock you harder. We’re told to ignore any non-handwritten signs (“They may be left over from a previous owner”), all that rude printed signs do is antagonise the knocker.

5. The media has a lot to answer for. The level of ignorance in the general public is outstanding. I have lost count of the number of times people have told me that Cannabis cures all cancers (it doesn’t: http://scienceblog.cancerresearchuk.org/2012/07/25/cannabis-cannabinoids-and-cancer-the-evidence-so-far/). In addition we have seen donations nosedive following the bad press some charities have been given over their CEOs (below market rate) salaries. Progress is being stalled because of this.
6. The TV industry must be worth billions a year. At least 70% of the houses I knock have a 50’’ TV or larger.

7. You will get disrespected a lot, but only abused once or twice a day. In comparison you meet around 10 lovely people every day.

8. It’s not a bad job. The weather is lovely, the pay is good, you are actually making a positive difference, you’re semi-independent, meet some lovely people and there is a real sense of comradery amongst knockers.

You’re still evil though.

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