March 1, 2019, by Jem
The Art of the Shortcut
I am a connoisseur not of wine or jazz, but of shortcuts. My mind craves efficiency and is constantly calculating ways to streamline my travels. Once you recognise that a 30-minute trek can be shortened to a 10-minute march, I believe that you too will become host to this invaluable craving.
Here, I aim to deliver a masterclass in shortcutsmanship. As per usual, much of what I am bestowing upon you is forbidden knowledge. You have respected the necessity of keeping this corner of the internet – where I discreetly deliver my taboo teachings – a quiet place, as evidenced by the fact that on my last 7 articles you have cunningly left 0 comments.
In my shortcut career, I have carved paths through forest regions that even the bravest of junglers would turn from in cowardice, sheathing their machetes in defeat, much dispirited that their adventures must come to an end… This is pitiful behaviour.
My adventures never terminate prematurely. The desire to reach the village bakers from my house in 7 minutes, down from Google’s suggested 15, far outweighs the risk of death presented by the possibility of encountering a toxic flower, or a clawed animal waiting within the leaves.
A master shortcutter knows to walk through the wilderness, no matter how humid with danger it may be. There is not an immovable thing in existence, but the unstoppable, I can tell you from first-hand experience, is alive and well.
If you wish to take shortcuts then commit this to memory and recite it in the face of danger:
I am a molten sabre, the one who cuts. There are no obstacles, I see only paths.
To demonstrate how this principle functions in a familiar context, we will go now to a location on University Park Campus. In between the lake and the SU building, there is a stretch of hilly terrain. Many faint-hearted students opt to TOT (Travel On Tarmac) and walk around this grassy incline, despite the obvious shortcuts it offers.
Now, I am aware that geese are guilty of fouling this wild region, rendering it perilous, but remember what I have taught you: be the blade and not the jungler.
Walk through all that frightens you.