April 12, 2019, by Jem

Leftovers

Here is an article concerning leftovers and how you can acquire them – a fantastic and very clever segue from Shweta’s recent article on bargainous bites.

I will let you in on a little secret: this term, leftover food has been my lifeblood. These leftovers were not obtained by foul means but rather via an app named ‘Too Good to Go’. Here, a number of restaurants, kitchens, and cafés sell exceptionally cheap goody bags filled with fodder that would otherwise be cast away to rot somewhere hidden (in ravines, no doubt.)

I want to clarify that I am not virtue signalling in positioning myself as some sort of food scrap saviour eager for others to join me in a noble mission to minimise food waste. I can assure you that these food bags provide nourishment purely for my tum and not soul.

In fact, I will shamelessly confess that I could have notified you – my colossal readership – of this service three months ago when I became aware of it, but I didn’t because Yo Sushi only sell five goody bags a day and competition in this greedy city’s leftover market is revoltingly high.

It is important to add that, on a day where I purchase some leftovers, I reward myself for conducting this little act of ‘goodness’ with a license to behave in a truly evil manner for the remainder of the week. I plot, rubbing my palms. I scheme, stroking my chin. Leftovers have made a villain of me. Certainly, I’ve prevented food from rotting but, in so doing, have allowed my own goodness to decay, leaving me a truly vile man with no virtues left to signal.

I have taken flight back to my strange village in the South and will not be returning to Nottingham for some time. If you devour leftovers in my absence then heed my moral decline, for food scraps can corrupt whole minds.

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