June 28, 2017, by Lucy

Things you learn during Freshers’ week

The Midlands Doesn’t Exist

According to anyone who doesn’t hail from the midlands, it simply doesn’t exist. Despite being a legitimate geographical region, you will be made to pick a side. For anyone who lives south of London, you shall be a Northerner. However, anyone north of Sheffield views you as a Southerner. How you categorise yourself will determine your identity for the rest of your university experience and it will constantly be a source of conflict because no one will ever accept ‘the Midlands’ as a sufficient birthplace.

Dialect Becomes a Subject of Scrutiny

“Do you say ‘scone’ like ‘phone’ or ‘gone’?” “What do you call a bread roll?” “Do you have dinner or tea?” All these questions in any other context would appear to be pointless and a waste of everybody’s time, yet for some reason freshers’ week gives them an immense deal of importance. No matter what you say someone will always greet you with a look of confusion as they try to reverse 18 years of language development and social conditioning.

How to Queue Like a Pro

Registration, healthcare, food, events, societies etc. Whatever you can think of, there will be a queue for it.

How to Engage in Small Talk

“Where are you from?” What course are you doing” “Where are you staying?” You tried to remember all this information the first five times you asked it, but at some point everything blurred into one and everybody blurs into one. By the end of the week you’re pretty sure no-one actually cares about your response. Nothing personal.

There is such a thing as too much pizza.

At first it was like a dream, until you realised that too much of a good thing can induce disgust. Come Thursday and 300,000 calories later you enter a cheesy, dough-filled haze who can no longer stomach the thought of anything remotely cheesy or tomato based. In an attempt to escape this hole you swear to eat healthily only to inhabit a room filled with empty takeaway boxes and discount vouchers.

Rivalry isn’t just between UoN and Trent: it exists between halls too.

Whether it’s Hu-Stu, Flo-Bo or Cripps, hall rivalry is intense. Just as with the North and South divide, conflicts will be provoked and Rutland becomes the Midlands equivalent and is universally disliked… I am pretty sure no-one knows why this is a thing, but it is.

Posted in Lucy