November 18, 2015, by Emma

4 ways Uni prepares you for the Zombie Apocalypse

He would eat your brains… but he’d probably get done for plagiarism…

Does anyone else spend their procrastination time thinking about how long they would survive in a zombie apocalypse? I like to think I’d be a survivor but I have a feeling my zombie fighting skills wouldn’t be quite up to scratch so unless I manage to befriend the whole of the fencing society (do we even have a fencing society?) then I’d probably be gone pretty quickly. Anyway, this led me to thinking, once I’ve got past the whole ‘fighting off brain dead zombies who want to eat my brains’ problem, I realised being a student has left me pretty well equipped to survive a zombie apocalype in a number of ways…

1. Eating habits

Surviving any kind of apocalypse is pretty dependent on having a food source and being able to ration that food source. And if there’s one thing being a student has taught me, it’s how to survive on very little. My housemate ate spaghetti carbonara last night that literally cost him 70p. 70p! Madness! And don’t even get me started on halls food. I think I have managed to eat potatoes in every possible form, which surely is a skill which has gotta come in handy when all of the other food runs out.

2. Student houses

Living in a student house where you have to pay your own bills means you’ve got to learn how to survive in both the cold and the dark. The is likely to be a very useful skill when it comes to hiding out away from zombies in abandoned warehouses, which are widely known for having no heating or electricity.

 3. Surviving lectures

As any second year psychology students will know, Tuesday afternoon is an afternoon of hell for me. I have four hours of lectures all in the same room. Sometimes the air conditioning breaks and it’s roasting, sometimes it’s on too strong and I have to shiver my way through four hours. But admist the boredom, discomfort and just plain tiredness, I like to comfort myself that getting through these lectures demonstrates a level of endurance only before seen in zombie apocalype survivors. And hell, if zombies did start invading the lecture, I’m sure it would be more pleasant than the third hour of learning about how the eye works.

4. Fighting to get on the Hopper buses

This is the number one reason I would be bad-ass when it comes to surviving a zombie apocalypse, because fighting off hungover students on a cold Tuesday morning for a space on the 8:45 bus is basically the only experience you need to apply for a position as a survivor. Not only are students effectively zombies at that time of morning anyway, the required pushiness can be applicable to a range of zombie apocalypse situtations, including fighting off other survivors for food in abandond shopping centres, escaping zombie-filled crowds and worming your way into government buildings in order to get help from the authorities.

So there you go! You might be failing your degree but you can comfort yourself in the knowlege that when the apocalype strikes, students will be amongt the most prepared for survival! And if you don’t feel suitably equipped, you can always hide out in the library, because a zombie won’t be able to get in there without a student card anyway!

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