May 17, 2019, by Jem

Swine Shoe Scandal – An Open Apology From The Inventor

You are likely here in seek of clarity. Having heeded the cries of scaremongers, you wonder whether it is true, whether it can be that the boy is responsible for what has been dubbed ‘the collapse of nature’.

It was only in January of this year that I proudly wrote on this platform of my invention of the swine shoe (essentially horse shoes but for pig feet). In the article, I recounted the charming tale of how one miracle pig gifted me the idea and discussed my establishment of an empire of thickset blacksmiths to hammer metal into cute U-shaped shoes and earn me a fine fortune.

It is here that I will confess that, around the time of writing that article, I was consumed by greed, that sinful fever. From my forges, great lorries would depart to the buying farms. The chock-packed vehicles chimed sweetly with the gentle rattle of my metal products; I could hear the wealth my invention could reap and enhanced my product tirelessly, releasing numerous models to swell my pockets.

Pigs fitted with one particular model of swine shoe, the infamous ‘All-Terrain Deluxe’, would find that, much like a high-end range rover, no land was off limits. Their footwear enables them to traverse the foulest and thickest of mires, climb the perilous ascents of rained-on hills and jagged mountains, and skitter fleet-footed across icy plains like hairy dancers. And all this the swine can accomplish with velocity.

(Pig sighted hurtling through a meadow using thermal technology)

Velocity is the root of the disaster that is now written across every front page. I had known the dangers of granting pigs the gift of speed far before ethologists conducted their observations and critics published their essays. But greed pinned this knowledge in a dark place beyond my conscience with fat shining mind hands, and this repression preserved my hunger to grow rich by preventing any moral interference that the dark truth might prompt.

All the while, the pig species were transforming, or rather becoming distorted beyond recognition; certain bodily changes accompanied the heightened physical activity that came with their newfound swiftness. They became lean and muscular, like four-legged men, and to look upon one of these creatures was to be overwhelmed with both confusion and revulsion at once.

Some critics have claimed that their behaviour nowadays is more akin to wolves than it is to their former sluggish, happy-go-lucky selves. I would agree with this observation had I not witnessed one fast pig outrun a wolf and consume it in the moonlight.

Now that the horror of it all is known and my sales have plummeted, the hands of greed have slackened their grip for there is no business left to protect. My morality has returned to me; I now see with clarity that it is right for me to officially declare that shoed pigs are problematic and a national threat.

They have conquered food chains, farms, and villages, and are currently making their way through the country’s counties, snuffling out each region’s foodstuffs, terrifying animal populations, and knocking locals over onto their backsides. I find myself nodding along to Oppenheimer, the inventor of the atomic bomb, recognising my own plight in his famous words: ‘Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds’.

However, I do not take full responsibility for the devastation. It is my firm belief that, prior to my invention, within the dense carriage of each pig, the heart of a killer boomed, steadily, patiently, whilst their small minds broiled, mulling over plans of fire and doom. As you can see, my shoes have merely enabled swine to carry out their brutal designs; I have not made pigs vile but simply brought out an evil that already existed within the fleshy depths of their being.

But all is not lost, we may repair the damage dealt to nature by this catastrophic mutation of a species. I have two inventions to help you survive this disaster and restore some order to the nation:

  1. A Pig Web – Essentially a powerful net on an extendable rod. For catching fast swine from a variety of distances. The aim here is to collect and imprison the enemy. (Ten pounds)
  2. All Terrain Deluxe – We are willing to fit this model of swine shoe to the soles of your trainers. This is a fire vs fire stratagem, though bear in mind that they have four shoes, you will have just two. (Fifty pounds)

Buy these, go out there, and get to work imprisoning the sprinting monsters.

Posted in Jem