May 17, 2019, by Jem

Swine Shoe Scandal – An Open Apology From The Inventor

You are likely here in seek of clarity. Having heeded the cries of scaremongers, you wonder whether it is true, whether it can be that the boy is responsible for what has been dubbed ‘the collapse of nature’.

It was only in January of this year that I proudly wrote on this platform of my invention of the swine shoe (essentially horse shoes but for pig feet). In the article, I recounted the charming tale of how one miracle pig gifted me the idea and discussed my establishment of an empire of thickset blacksmiths to hammer metal into cute U-shaped shoes and earn me a fine fortune.

It is here where I will confess that around the time of writing that article I was consumed by greed, that sinful fever. From my forges, great lorries would depart to the buying farms, chiming with the sweet song of metal for they carried swine shoes and these shimmied excitedly with the bouncing roll of tyre. I could hear the wealth my invention could reap and enhanced my product tirelessly, releasing numerous models to swell my pockets.

Pigs fitted with one particular model of shoe, the infamous ‘All-Terrain Deluxe’, would find that, much like a high-end range rover, no land was off limits. Their footwear enabled them to traverse the foulest and thickest of mires, climb the perilous ascents of rained-on hills and jagged mountains, and skitter fleet-footed across icy plains like hairy dancers. And all this the swine could accomplish with velocity.

(Pig sighted hurtling through a meadow. Thermal technology used to capture image.)

Velocity is the root of the disaster that is now written across every front page. I had known the dangers of granting pigs the gift of speed far before ethologists conducted their observations and critics published their essays. But greed pinned this knowledge in a dark place beyond my conscience with fat shining mind hands, and this repression preserved my hunger to grow rich by preventing any moral interference that the dark truth might prompt.

All the while, the pig species were transforming, or rather becoming distorted beyond recognition; certain bodily changes accompanied the heightened physical activity that came with their newfound swiftness. They became lean and muscular, like four-legged men, and to look upon one of these creatures was to be overwhelmed with both confusion and revulsion at once.

Some critics have claimed that their behaviour nowadays is more akin to wolves than it is to their former sluggish, happy-go-lucky selves. I would agree with this observation had I not witnessed one fast pig outrun a wolf and consume it in the moonlight.

Now that the horror of it all is known and my sales have plummeted, the hands of greed have slackened their grip for there is no business left to protect. My morality has returned to me; I now see with clarity that it is right for me to declare that shoed pigs are problematic and a national threat.

They have conquered food chains, farms, and villages, and are currently making their way through the country’s counties, snuffling out each region’s foodstuffs, terrifying animal populations, and knocking locals over onto their backsides. I find myself nodding along to Oppenheimer, the inventor of the atomic bomb, recognising my own plight in his famous words: ‘Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds’.

However, I do not take full responsibility for the devastation at hand. It is my firm belief that, prior to my invention, within the dense carriage of each pig, the heart of a killer boomed, steadily, patiently, whilst their small minds broiled, mulling over plans of fire and doom. You can see then that my shoes have merely enabled swine to carry out their brutal designs. In other words, I have not made pigs vile but simply brought out an evil that already existed within the fleshy depths of their abominable being.

But all is not lost, we may repair the damage that this species has dealt. I have two inventions to help you survive and amend this situation:

  1. A Pig Web – Essentially a powerful net on an extendable rod. For catching fast swine from a variety of distances. The aim here is to collect and imprison the enemy. (Ten pounds)
  2. All Terrain Deluxe – This is a fire vs fire stratagem, fit this model of swine shoe to your trainer soles. (Fifty pounds)

I can envision you, shivering under a blanket indoors as you read this, flinching as pigs flit past the windows of your home, squealing with devilish delight. Buy these, throw the blanket aside, and get to work imprisoning the sprinting monsters.

Posted in Jem