February 15, 2019, by Jem

How to Avoid Making Impulse Purchases

Consider the wallet, Guardian of Cash. Consider the ease with which it fails in its duty as keeper of finances. The owner need only perform a quick pluck, a muscle memory motion, and there it is, torn from its denim hideaway, exposed to a cashier with eyes that track the owner’s hand as it performs again its automatic pluck which this time reveals the treasure, and then, as quick as it emerged, the dear wallet is returned to its dark hollow, sallow, sapped, and weakened.

You may now begin to comprehend the wallet’s sorry predicament as a slave to our impulses. It does not seem at all fair that whenever we fail to quash a temptation, the wallet must fail in tandem. The poor things are tethered to we fools and are doomed to flail in our disastrous wake.

There are times where it is necessary to protect the protector. This is one such instance, which is why I have padlocked my wallet. For those who are having difficulty understanding the ingenuity of my method (i.e. dunces), I will condescend to explain to you the mechanics of my padlock tactic.

Let’s say I encounter a dark temptation; a fruit fancy, for example. Now, instead of the autonomic pluck reflex imminently kicking in, a preliminary thought process occurs. I must first ask myself: is it truly worth reaching into my foul sock to obtain a key for the padlock that protects my wallet, merely for a small sugary treat?

On only 50% of these occasions do I reach down into my sock. Therefore, my wallet is now performing in its role as Guardian of Cash with a success rate to be proud of.

Unfortunately, 50% of the time I do succumb to the fancy’s pull, and these occasions reveal a terrible side to me. If the key has been left at home, then I use brute force, there in the aisle, to warp the padlock and extract the wallet’s funds. Witnesses have informed me that I become unrecognisable and very possibly dangerous. It is a particular weakness of mine that when faced with a raspberry bakewell, I transform into a frothing beast capable of manipulating metal. A sugary snack is to me what a full moon is to a werewolf.

However, the expenses I’ve incurred through replacing padlocks amount to chump’s change when we consider the cash I’d haemorrhage were I to lead a padlock-free life, where I’d be plucking out that wallet non-stop like Peter Piper and his obscene peppers. Follow by my example, purchase the chained padlock that I have linked below. The results are guaranteed to astonish.


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