December 20, 2017, by Lucy

The Five Stages of the Christmas Holidays

Stage One: You will eat all of the food

You thought you ate well at university. You refrained from eating a diet of pot noodles, actually ate some vegetables and operated the oven on the odd occasion, you may as well have popped on a chef’s coat and entered the Masterchef kitchen. That was before you came home and indulged in your mum’s Sunday roast and realised what you had been missing. Although university hadn’t given you scurvy, the weekly meal plan of pasta, chicken goujons and stir fry now seems insufficient. The only logical response to this luxury is to raid the fridge, eat the whole of next term’s recommended calorie allowance and gain approximately seven stone. You’ll lose it all in January, right?

Stage Two: Productivity of any kind will be attempted, only to be quickly abandoned

First, you will attempt to knuckle down and do some work; imagine the joy you’ll have in January knowing that you have nothing to do! For no reason other than laziness you will give up on this academia and decide to channel whatever energy you do have into Christmas preparations, shopping, baking, wrapping presents – what could be better? Tis’ the season. Again, you will soon abandon ship and climb aboard the procrastination train heading to Nothingness Island. Instead of doing anything worthwhile, you will spend days on end watching the Gavin and Stacey Christmas special because it is a cinematic masterpiece that demands more respect.

Stage Three: Forget about even remembering the date cos in the strange period between Christmas and New Year you won’t even know your name, age or where you’re from

I’m pretty sure Jane Austen once said that ‘It is a truth universally acknowledged that nobody gets anything done during the period between Christmas and New Year’. I mean, Pride and Prejudice defo went something like that anyway.

Step Four: You will realise that you have not even looked at your work and promise to amend this issue in the New Year

Wow, 365 days have passed since last New Year’s Eve, and what have you done? Absolutely nothing. You are still the lazy fool who chooses to leave work until the last minute only to cause a totally unnecessary feeling of stress. Well done. Of course, this year will be different! You will go to the gym at 6am every day, drink 5 litres of water, cut carbs and refined sugar from your diet and do your work the minute it is set!! This won’t go wrong at all!!! Totally realistic!!!!

Step Five: Come January the 2nd, a state of mourning will be entered as you realise that Christmas is another year away and soon you will have to fend for yourself, whether you like it or not

Christmas is over. It is no longer acceptable to eat a tub of Quality Streets before lunch, nor is it acceptable to spend the day listening to Mariah Carey. Worst of all, pigs in blankets are a whole year away. Soon term will start. Although the sense of freedom will fill you with happiness, with this freedom you will realise that you will have to cook, clean and take care of yourself, with the freest behaviour exhibited being a 3pm shower. Radical that.

Posted in Lucy