March 18, 2015, by James

The Five Types of People you see on Campus Gyms

1. The Osiris

The huge guy that can max out every weight. He keeps alive the legacy of Ancient Egypt, because he too has a God named Set.


Pictured: BEAST mode

When he walks the ground shakes, when he lifts the weights tremble and when he re-racks the geosciences lab have to recalibrate their equipment.

 2. The Ant & Dec

Conjoined twins
These are the people that put the REP into inseperable. These are the people that insist you let two people work in when you’re only three reps into a five setter on the Fly machine. These are the people that insist chin ups are a team sport. Their affinity for each other is surpassed only by the time it takes them to complete a routine.

3. The Pocket Rocket

Young woman at starting blocks

The girl who’s 5″2′ and 90 lb but can still lift more than you do. This is the girl who thinks Zumba is the girl she beat in last year’s Ms. Olympia. This is the girl whose reps are more precise than an atomic clock and whose lifts are more explosive than an atomic bomb.  This is the girl your mother warned you about, but only because she can outrun you, outfight you and use your unconscious body as a dumbbell.

4. The Mufasa

This is the guy that comes to the gym for two reasons:

1. To powerlift

2. To talk about powerlifting.

More people have heard The Mufasa give powerlifting advice than have heard URN in its 34 year history.

More people have heard The Mufasa scream while powerlifting than have been to this University in its 134 year history.

The only thing tighter than his Quads is his spandex, the only thing more liberal than his rest periods are his boasts.

5. The Steve Jobs

This is the person who thinks the humble iPhone holds the secret to the perfect workout and has dedicated their entire session to discovering it. They’ve learnt to do every exercise one-handed, even squats. Maybe one day they’ll unlock the iPhones secrets, but until then the only thing working out is their thumbs.

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