December 27, 2013, by Eve

Extra-terrestrial Christmas

When I was in lower Secondary School, years 7-8, my teachers would sometimes use a certain metaphor to try and get us to explain better in essays: ‘imagine you’re writing it to someone who has no knowledge of the subject like – like an alien’.

And so, stimulated by the imaginative motivation of my old school teachers, I shall attempt to explain Christmas to a friendly U.F.O or inquisitive E.T, A.S.A.P. Now, in fact.

treeChristmas is a national holiday which happens on 25th December each year. A holiday is the polar opposite to work (both of which are described as ‘hard’). December is a month. A year is a load of months. With me so far? I hope the universal-linguistic-translator is working alright. It’s sponsored by the G.T.L.A (Google Time Lord Association) so it’s got a pretty good reputation (Reputation: something Cassio keeps loosing).

In the movies and on the greeting cards, Christmas is White: which means sleigh bells glisten and children listen and there’s lots of snow and Bing Crosby’s swanning around. The reality, in England at least, is a Grey Christmas: rain, chilly breezes, rain and no Bing.

But, despite the weather, every Christmas is celebrated by decorating your house. House: it’s like a spaceship but more stable. People usually buy a tree – usually, from the pine family but other models are available – and cover it with lots of pretty objects: electric lights, tinsel, which is like spiky, bristled snakes, and bubals, colourful spheres (surprisingly, the single is not bul).

The unspoken motto of a good British Christmas is F.A.T which stands for Food And Television. Television is a box which shows the world in high definition but without all the ugly people.

In the lead up to Christmas, the box offers 101 programmes about how-to-do-Christmas-if-you-had-limitless-amounts-of-money hosted by stiff shirted or skirted TV celebrities or the close relations of various stiff shirted or skirted TV celebrities.doctorwho

On Christmas day itself the box gives its viewers Christmas Specials: these are programmes which are uplifting, entertainment and, occasionally, kill off central characters and make everyone cry.

Food, the cooking and consumption of it, takes up a large proportion of the Christmas Day. People generally roast an animal: turkey, duck, pig, nut are all popular Christmas creatures. Another favourite is the potato – nutthey are an edible item with the potential to be boiled, mashed, or shoved in a stew but, at Christmas, they are usually roasted (like the animal). There are lots of different types of vegetables which act as accessories to the whole meal. Vegetables are something which is good for you and can be identified by receiving the positive answer to the question ‘could I feed this to a rabbit?’

Presents are also acceptable, and expectable, at Christmas. Wrapped in paper (or sometimes tin foil), they are placed under the tree. Some of the most popular presents are scarves, gloves, dvds and chutney (for the older species).

In conclusion, the purpose of Christmas is to spend time with the people you love. Love: a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Thank you for reading my explanation of Christmas. Now please, don’t abduct me.

Posted in Eve